Dr Chalmers Path to Pro - The Most Important Thing for Parents
Parenting isn’t about being perfect it’s about being present. Sometimes we get so busy trying to provide or chase goals that we miss the small, everyday moments that really matter. Whether it’s a quick chat before bed or a weekend outing, those simple times leave a lasting impact on our kids.
This message is a gentle reminder to be more intentional with our time. Our children don’t need us to have it all figured out they just need us there. At the end of the day, it’s the connection we build that helps them grow into strong, confident adults.
Highlights of the Podcast
00:04 - Learning from patients of all ages
01:00 - The hardest part of parenting: becoming irrelevant
02:02 - Cherishing everyday moments
03:40 - Missed memories are painful
05:53 - Unlike health, time with kids can’t be regained
07:02 - Seek wisdom from experienced parents
08:26 - What truly destroys people: time lost with kids
09:44 - Don’t give advice—share experience
11:10 - “You spell love: T-I-M-E”
12:39 - Think about life after they’re gone
13:48 - The role of community and passing it forward
Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:00:04] So one of the things that has been super beneficial to me has been my patient base. Uh, I've got people who are, I had just literally day old babies and people who were 99 years old. So I've literally, I have people all the way across the game. And the cool thing is, is that I get to talk to my patients. Um. And I've learned more from my patients than I will ever learn from anybody. Um One of the things that I have. Learned that is wildly appropriate to this time of year. Is that your kids are going to grow up and they're going to leave and it's going to be terrible. I've got I talked to parents every day who senior year the kids are getting ready to go to school and they go to school and we're all happy for them and then you know, that fall the kids are gone. And I see them again and they're like, I didn't. I miss my kids. I haven't spent enough time with them. Um, That's the thing that I hear over and over and over again. When they're gone. And then, but that's kind of the point of being a parent, right? You wanna prepare your child to go on and take on the world and do all the things and. Be the people they're supposed to be and that's that's the whole point like The worst part about being a parent is that your entire jobs make yourself irrelevant. Because they're prepared to go on and become you. But. The thing is, is that. For even the parents that spend a lot of time with their kids and have done a quote unquote great job raising them and they have good connections and they've got, you know, great relationships. I hear this all the time. It's that. You know, I wish I would have spent more time. I wish we would have done this. Wish we'd have done that. That is one of the biggest quality of life issues that we see. It's one of most important things that you can kind of take a step back and recognize.
Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:02:02] You know, it is funny to be all the way. Open on this. I love playing with other people's little kids. You bring me your two or three year old, I'm going to play with them and wrestle with them, and it's going to be fun. I'm gonna give them back, and you're going to take them home. Um And I kind of, you know, I would love to go back. And visit the days when my kids were two and three and then come back. I don't want a two or three year old. But. You know, now my kids are 10 and 12 and they're really fine. Um, and I like hanging out with them and I liked doing stuff with them. And like last night, I got back from Atlanta, I was exhausted. And my 12 year old wanted to go do some stuff and it was. Kind of hard, I had to force myself to go do it. But I did it anyway, because I wanted to be able to hang out with them. All these kids that are graduating right now. I'm talking to the parents. And this is about some of you kids who are 25 and whatnot or 23 or 20 who are listening. It's been rough on every one of the parents. The dads, the moms, like these people, especially the, you know, the guys who have good relationships or bad relationships with their kids. You know, I'll sit and I'll talk to these parents and they're like, I wish I would have spent more time with my kids. I would've gone on. Vacations with my kids like when we went to Europe. Uh... Early last year I had parents come back in whose kids were 25 and 30 and they're like, I wish I would have done that. I wish I would have taken the time away. I wish we were taking the time off. I wish would have, you know, not focused so much on work or so much this thing or that.
Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:03:40] I wish it would have gone, done some stuff with my kids, had, you created more memories with my kid. That's that's a giant giant thing um you know i talked to a parent last night who just uh you know went to the banquet for their kiddos you know Sports event and she was like it's over She's like, what do I do now? Um you know and the the thing is that she has they have all these memories together uh and i talked to another parent not too long ago whose kid was going to their banquet And, uh... Afterwards, he came back and he was like. He felt horrible. He was like, there were so many pictures of my kids that I had no idea where they were from. He's like, I missed too many games. I missed many practices. He was like, he told me apart. He was, like, because that's time I'm never going to get back. That could be rough. Sorry, I know the kid, it was. Anyway, he's a good guy, made a bunch of mistakes as a dad. Um, Still a good guy. You know, I feel that for his kids. I feel that for him. And he's now recognizing it. And it's the worst hell. Anyway, it's the worst hell I've ever seen anybody go through. Um He's got a bunch of money. Did great in his career, lots and lots of money, lots of accolades, loss of faith. Um, and it's terrible, uh, health isn't great. We're getting that back, but he's never going to get that time back with his kids. Um, and his uh you know he's working he's trying to work on a real relationship now but it's i mean he just wasn't there for 10 years so you know that's the thing a lot of times, you know, with health. We end up sick. Or where we end up hurting, or like your back hurts and you're like, oh, I have diabetes now.
Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:05:53] And you look back, you're like, oh, here's all the mistakes I made along the way. I should have done more exercise, I should've eaten better, I shouldn't have done like all the things, right? You know, and a lot of that stuff like diabetes, diabetes is like one of those things you look at and you're like, oh, I f'ed up all these times. And then, you know, if you do what you're supposed to do a couple months later, you're not that bad anymore, and everything's fine. Yeah, you gave away some years over your life and this and that because the diabetes is going to destroy you, but it is what it is. These decisions. Are the ones that destroy you forever. They're the ones that destroy your legacy. Um. These are the most important. And I think that You know, it's one of those deals where you start to see them more now. Um when it's in your face like oh kids are leaving that's it they're gone they're moving out and they're going to start their lives and you can't be like hey i know you're a senior I know you're going to college. I know you're moving out to go do start your life, but I've messed up. Move back in and spend some more time with me. That's, it's too late. Like, that would be detrimental to them, and so you can't ask them. Um, you can try to rebuild your relationship, but you're never going to get that time back.
Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:07:02] So, um, You know, in my my highest recommendations even this goes back to the community thing. I keep complaining about that We you know, we've lost our sense of community Um If you're, if you're part of a church. Be a part of a private school, whatever. Part of a football team, like like your kids are 10 and they're part of the football team. Go to the high school, go to the kids, go find the parents who have kids that are five, six, seven years, ten years older than yours. And hang out with them. Be like, what did you do that you found the most value? What are the things that you did that you wish you would not have done? Like these conversations are gonna be the most important conversations you can have. I know because I get to have them Like I find the parents who have phenomenal kids. I'm like, what'd you do? What did you do to raise these kids? How did you do this? And they're like, oh, I read this book, so I will go and I'll read it. Like that's where a lot of this information comes from. This information doesn't just come because, oh, I just found it. Like, I ask people who have great kids. And I ask people who are suffering, who are miserable because of what they've done with their life. I'm like, what'd you do wrong? And they'll be like, I don't know. And then like, you talk to them for a minute and they're like, these are all the things that are wrong. Like they know. Inside, unconsciously, they know. And they'll tell you if you walk it through. And the thing is, they didn't spend the time when they needed to spend the, they didn't invest their time. Where they should.
Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:08:26] So. The most important thing that I can tell you as someone who gets to hang out with parents. And again, like before I had kids, I was talking to parents. You know, all the way up and down. Like I had parents in here who had kids who had graduated. I had 70 year olds. Who could tell me all about, you know, oh, here's what we did right and wrong with our grandkids. And so for 20 years, I've been collecting all this information, and I can tell you. The one thing that I have seen people just. Destroy them. And there's nothing you can say to them. You know, the drug addicts, you can be like, well, just don't do the drugs. We'll get you ketamine, we'll get you over, we get you psychedelics. Like, clear the addiction, then you'll be able to build your life back up. You can't do that if you've lost the time with your kids. And I know a lot of you guys maybe have kids who are seniors. Maybe you have kids you just left for college. And you're like, great, thanks for telling me too late. Perfect. You take that information, and you go find younger people. And tell them and talk to them. You know, this isn't something that we have to maintain as a society. So we can go back and we can talk to these people all the time. You know, so if you've got kids, regardless of where they're at. Find the parents who have kids are a little older than you and find the parents have kids a little bit younger than you.
Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:09:44] And you guys need to start talking about the things that work and the things That didn't work not what they should and shouldn't do. That's not what we're talking to you guys about I'm not i'm not trying to tell you like you should go and tell somebody how to live their life doubt just like here are the things that didn't work so well for me whether you know why or not, and here are the things that, you know, seemed like really to work well. And the easy thing is, and I'm not pushing travel agents or anything, but one of the things that I will tell you that I remember from All the way back. Like I remember stories. I can tell you stories from when I was seven, eight, nine years old. Skiing and hanging out with my parents. I don't remember a single thing that happened. In school or anything else, like I can tell you stories of being in the car with my dad. We were going hunting. Listen to my uncle and my dad talk about business and stuff like that, when I was like seven or eight or not. I can't remember anything from school. I don't remember any of that stuff. I remember all the vacations we took as a family. And I remember a lot of the time I spent, you know, going hunting with my dad. Um I definitely remember working out with my mom. So. The, you know, and we say this a lot, but I, you know, I want to be another, just, you know, pound this into your head, you know, all the children and actually a lot of people. Wives, husbands, brothers, sisters, best friends. You spell love. T-I-M-E. The more time you spend, the more things you do. The more they'll remember you.
Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:11:10] So take those vacations. They don't have to, you don't have to spend a $50 million and go, you know, rent a yacht and do whatever that's not like get in a car and go drive. Be like, all right, we're going to jump in the car this weekend. We're going take Friday off. We're going to leave Friday afternoon and we're going to drive down to wherever it doesn't really matter. Go see a park in a different state. Doesn't matter, it's been the time of the car. And just talk to them and tell funny stories and that sort of stuff like that's the stuff that you guys are going to miss you know, when your kids are graduating. And you're sitting there and you're like. What did I do? Did I, you know. Where's my relationship? So that's the thing I would recommend to you the most is to recognize where your time is and recognize what's important. Um because that's at the end of the day. Like that's where it's more important. I have so many patients who will tell me how poor they were. But how much fun they have with their bomb and their death. It's... I know everybody is like, well, I got to feed them. You do. And I get that. And you got to put clothes on them and all the things. And I'm not arguing against that. I realize how difficult this whole thing is, but. But factor that one in. Factor in hanging out with them, factor in talking to them, factor in how you're gonna feel when they're not around anymore. Not that they're dead, but when they are in college or they're off living their life and they're in your house anymore.
Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:12:39] So. Really think that one through because that's that's gonna be when we talk about stress when we talked about regret when we Talk about emotional damage that we got to repair This is a giant piece for both the parent and the kid. I mean, look at my God, just look at all of the stats we have on, you know, kids who grow up without a father. And how messed up they are. So this is not just good for you, it's good for them. It's really, really important. Think it through, talk to the parents who are a little bit older, a little younger. Because here's the thing, you get the gems of information from the people that we need to talk to when they're kids. You know, kids who are older than yours. And you get to be the guy who gives the advice to the kids who were younger than you. That's sharing. That's how this is supposed to work. That is how our community is supposed to work You know, you go up to the guys who are older and you're like, tell me the important things that you wish someone would have told you. And then when you go to the guys who have kids four, five, six years younger than you, be like, here's the things I wish I would have known when I was your age. That's it. You know, and that's one of those things that, you know, this time of year, this is what we start to see. And so, you now, so it's horrible and I feel terrible for these people, but that's where they are.
Dr. Matt Chalmers [00:13:48] So share this with everybody, kind of make sure everybody kind of gets this idea, go talk to them about it. We need as a society to start changing the way our society works. No one's gonna change it for us. We gotta do it ourselves. And so. I would highly recommend. That if you've got kids who have graduated, you go back to those schools, those booster clubs, those football teams and track teams and youth groups and whatever, and you go find those parents and you're like, hey. Let's talk. Like, as far as churches go, if you guys remember the church, you should be implementing this. You should be like, hey, I need the guys who are like. All the different age groups, like, separated by, say, five years, figure it out on your own, time-wise, and be like, we're gonna get these parents, let's talk to these parents. Talk to these friends. Like, here's how it's gonna go. We're just gonna, like organize this function so that you guys have the ability to talk. If you guys are members of a church, ask your church to do this. If you are members of a football booster club, ask your football booster to start doing this. Here's the other thing, the football deal, like, at Jinx, we were dominant. Like, with 6A, we crushed everybody. Because we had the high school, working with middle school, middle school, work with the elementary school, we were in the same place, we talked to everybody, everybody was kind of in there. It'll even benefit your athletics. Just make sure you guys are doing this. If you guys have any questions, hit us up at Questions.ChalmersWellness.com or drop them in the comments. Here's to a fantastic day.
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Dr. Matt Chalmers
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